


A World Turning Without Me

by Hachiya_Camus



Category: Touhou Project
Genre: Alternative Perspective, Diary/Journal, Family, Family Drama, Family Issues, Hints of Flandre x Reimu, If You Squint - Freeform, Interpretation, Isolation, Loneliness, Not Incest, Other, POV Female Character, POV First Person, Personal Canon, Personal interpretation, Post EOSD, Sibling Love, Siblings, Vampires, theory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2020-03-01 09:10:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18797329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hachiya_Camus/pseuds/Hachiya_Camus
Summary: The dairy and thoughts of the Lonely Scarlet Devil in the basement.





	A World Turning Without Me

**Author's Note:**

> This a semi-character study based on my interpretation of Flandre's relationship with the other characters and the effects of her isolation as a result of being kept in the basement. If you feel like it let me know your thoughts or any criticism. I hope you enjoy.

I need to decorate the walls, they originally were covered with pretty but plain red wallpaper, I wish there was a pattern on it. Though it’s been so long that the paper itself has decayed. Being in a basement means you get the bulk of the water damage which is no fun. I wonder if I should put up wallpaper again or maybe paint the walls this time. Come to time of it I wonder why did sister put up wallpaper in the first place? There’s nothing else but the wallpaper really, I want some art because I’m tired of just looking at the same blank red wall. I should get Sakuya to help me since I know she’ll make it beautiful somehow. I want some windows too, since sometimes if I listen at the right time, I can hear sister say how beautiful the moon is. I haven’t seen the moon for such a long time, forever it feels like. I want to see what about it captures sister’s interest. Maybe one day sister will take me out and we can see it together, that would be fun.

* * *

I got lucky a few days ago and found some things I hadn’t noticed were in the room before. I was so excited, I got so sick of reading the same books and playing the same games. One of them was this blank book. I wasn’t sure what to do with it at first, what’s the point of a book with no pictures or words? But then I realized how stupid I am, this was a book that you write in yourself. I don’t consider myself very good at writing but I thought that it might be fun to try. There’s a lot of empty pages so I can write a lot, maybe I’ll write about things that happened in the past too. Now that I think about the past, I don’t think Reimu or Marisa will come again today either since it’s raining so hard. It’s funny I haven’t seen rain in so long but I can tell how hard it’s falling by the sound. Light rain makes a nice pitter patter, when it starts to get a little heavier then it starts making a hard bouncing noise, when it’s a storm all you hear is a crude battering sound and it pounds off the walls. I don’t like storms because of that sound. It’s too loud and I can’t focus or escape it. It’s like the ringing I hear in my head sometimes. I think it hurts my ears but Patchouli said there was nothing wrong when she examined me. That feels like it happened such a long time ago. Thunder makes storms scary too, it crashes from nowhere. I’m scared it will break through the walls and hit me. On nights where it won’t stop thundering, I roll around a lot. It’s weird people talk about “The Eye of The Storm” but I can’t ever find the eye, otherwise I would always destroy storms so there’d be no lighting. I can’t though so I have to put up with loud, scary stormy nights, I have the urge to hug someone. A long long time ago maybe when I was less than a century year old, Remilia had held me when then lighting wouldn’t stop invading the sky. It didn’t help the noise but I still felt safer. I wish Remilia would still do things like that now, she used to be a great big sister. I was thinking about windows again, I wonder if I could learn to like the rain if I could see it pitter pattering outside. Though I might also have to see the lighting which is a scary thought.

* * *

I haven’t been to the library in a while, I should go visit Patch and her little devil helper. I reread what I wrote and wow I didn’t know I could write so much. I guess I like writing and filling the pages more than I would’ve guessed. Maybe I should ask Patch how to properly write a book. Patch loves books so much she’s had to of written some too or so I would guess. What would a book by Patch be about? Would it be fantasy or nonfiction? Would Remilia be in it? Would I be in it? Probably not I never do anything. It’d be funny if she wrote a self care book, maybe she’s become like sister and me, unable to feel the sunlight. This whole mansion is so dark even during the daytime, people always think we’re sick because we’re all so pale. Do I have any working lights in my room anymore? I have my wings but they aren’t as bright as people think they are. It’s a funny thing that I forgot about the lights but I forget that I’m in the room itself alot. I like imagining that I’m somewhere else because the room is too blank and stale. I like pretending that I’m in a happier place where’s there always someone to play or talk too, sometimes I try and get my clones to play with me but I’m not good at controlling them. The clouds are happy places, I also like to go on adventures in my mind too. It’s so much fun and I have all the time in the world to go on them and talk to people that aren’t there. They’re really good friends though, they’re perfect. I get sad though when I snap back to the room though. It’s worse when I can’t go at all because I think about something sad, then I have to read or play games by myself. Though I also stare at the wall for hours occasionally, I don’t know why I do that. Oh no I got really off topic, staying on course is what makes a writer good right? At least I think that’s what Patchouli would tell me, maybe I could get Patch to tutor me weekly or daily so I could be in the library more often. I really wanna spend more time with Patch and her devil helper looks fun too. I can’t remember her helper’s name, does she have one? Wait what does she look like again? She had wings on her head and back what kind of wings? Her hair was brown or black or was it red? Her eyes, what color were they? It really has been such a long time since I’ve seen her and Patch. Does Patch look any better? She doesn’t take care of herself and she’s always locked in the library like I am this room. That would make us really similar, if that’s the case then maybe she understands this feeling. This feeling of emptiness, longing, and fear, at least those are written words for it but I really don’t know how to describe what I feel. If I talked to Patch and she feels the same then she could give me the words I need to say what I feel. Maybe if I knew how I feel then I could find out a way to be happier. But I’ve gotten so used to my life as it is. I need to see Patch more. Now that I look around this room is really dirty, more so than I remember, it’s musky and dusty. If I had windows I’d always keep them open so the air wouldn’t feel so stale. I should start paying attention more, maybe I spend too much time in my head.

* * *

 

Winded up not seeing Patchouli but Sakuya came down! I haven’t had blood in a while so she came to serve it to me in the form of tea. You’d think it’d be thick and gross but it’s creamy and has a nice crimson hue. Sometimes I wish that I could feed normally like Remilia but I never leave anything left that I could eat. Humans are so weak I don’t know how they even manage to live in a place where so many powerful Youkai roam. Then again Reimu and Marisa managed to beat me except I didn’t really want to have a serious fight, I just wanted to play. Everyone says the same thing Patchouli, Sakuya, sister “Control yourself you have far more power than you’ll ever understand” “Be careful you could hurt them”, “Most people are too weak to withstand you so watch yourself”. It was always the same no matter how it was it said, contain yourself or someone might die. I can’t explain why I was born with such immense power. I don’t think I inherited it, I didn’t aim to be this like this, I just always inexplicitly had this destructive gift. I’d just randomly find the eye of things, living or not, and suddenly they’d be gone. Every now and then I stare at the ceiling trying to sleep and wonder if my life would be different had I’d been a normal vampire like sister. Everytime I picture that life it always seemed to be better than this one. Maybe I wouldn’t have to be in the room all the time, maybe I’d be able to feed normally, maybe I’d even be better at talking to people. I’ll never have that life though because for some reason or another heaven or whatever is up there gave me too much power. Whoever’s up there made me so strong that I can hardly be called a vampire at all. Vampire’s one defining trait is drinking blood but I have to rely on sister or Sakuya to do so. Then again if I could feed by myself then I don’t think Sakuya would visit me much. I admire Sakuya and I’m happy to see her and talk to her. I often forget that she is a mere human. She’s so strong, living in a place not built for her and surrounded by beings that feast on her kind. Yet she was so elegant and perfect at her job she rose through the ranks, becoming a staple of the mansion. I can’t think of anywhere else in Gensokyo where something like that has happened. Humans are almost always at the bottom of the latter and unusual ones like Reimu typically are stand alone and masterless. Sakuya came here when she was a kid. I remember seeing her when she first arrived by chance, sister was my primary caretaker at that time. She was as small as me so I could see directly into her eyes but she seemed scared of me back then. She didn’t talk too much when she did it wasn’t quite right. I felt she was a lot like me back in those days. As the days went on she grew taller and she began to speak in a charismatic manner. Humans’ bodies and minds change so quickly I don’t understand it. I wasn’t really there to see it too much as I was still in this room, I’m always in the room, I never left the room and I never will. I brought the past up to Sakuya and she seemed embarrassed about it. I guess I don’t like talking about my past either, not that my life has been much other than this basement. Anyways then I told her that she made me want to develop elegance and grace. I told her that after she became head maid I asked Patchouli to give me books on etiquette and even dictionaries so I could talk better. She laughed and said she was surprised a humble human like herself could have an influence on a vampire. I laughed too, eventually, I ended up telling her about this blank book. She said it’s called a dairy, people write their thoughts in their diaries to make themselves feel better or just to record their life.I guess that is what I’ve been doing. Actually now that I think about I write better than I do talk. I asked if people ever turn their diaries into books, Sakuya said that dairies are usually private: but some people write down their life stories and publish themthose are called autobiographies. Next time I’m at the library I’ll have to see if we have any, I think reading about others’ lives would be interesting. I offered Sakuya a chance to read mine but she said maybe next time because there was still work to be done. I was really sad it felt like she had just got there. But I understood that the mansion was more important than me so I didn’t argue. I don’t want to ever come off as selfish,I want people to like me. Before she left I asked if it was possible for me to have windows and she promised that she’ll ask sister about it. I hope sister will say yes and I also hope she’ll visit me soon. I wrote so much today but I was happy that someone came to see me even if it wasn’t for long.

* * *

 

After how much I wrote last time I feel like this will be a disappointment. I really enjoy writing in this more than I thought. Sakuya was right it does make you feel better in a strange kind of way. Still, it bothers me how uneven in length they are, I like things to be equal. That’s not what’s been on my mind recently though, Remilia is what has been on my mind. I want to see my Remilia again it’s been so long. I love sister so much, so very very much. I know I am a tragedy of younger sister and a dirty little secret but I still love her. I’ve never dreamed of disobeying her, I want to always be by sister’s side. I am the other Scarlet Devil and it’s my life’s purpose to support my elder sister. Even if it means being lonely in this blank basement I will stay here forever if it truly helps my sister. I hope she knows how much I adore her and that I’m still by her side. I’ve always looked up to Remilia, she was all I knew for much of the beginning of my life and even now I live for her. She would play pretend with me and even roughhouse with me when we were young. She was my best friend and I always stood behind her. Those were such happy times but Remilia’s mind grew older. She stopped playing games with me and became obsessed with earning her place among the higher Youkai. I was sad then but I never stopped rooting for my sister. I was so excited when she became known as the fearsome Scarlet Devil. From what I overhear from the fairy maids though she is still as playful as before. She is still the same joyful Remilia I remember but still, she won’t come back to play with me. I forgive sister though because I know sister loves me. Besides Remilia was the one who built such an extravagant basement, she built it just for me! She even gave me a fireplace so I wouldn’t get cold in the winter and lots of fancy toys. I ended up breaking them all by accident and want to ask for new ones, but I feel bad about it. Too many things are just too fragile though, they break too easily and too quickly. Either way, I know sister loves me, everything she’s done is out of love for me I know it! She never visits because she’s working hard to make our lives easier I know it. She created the scarlet mist to prepare the world for us. She was going to free me but everything got messed up. Sister isn’t going to keep me here forever because sister loves me a much as I love her. Sister only wants to help me. Sister why won’t you come to see me? I love you sister please come to see me. I want to see the moon you always call beautiful sister please take me to see it. What am I doing calling for sister through the pages of my diary? She can’t hear me through here, she can’t hear me crying in agonizing loneliness. I want to show sister that I’m not nuts anymore. I’ll prove it to her so I’ll be worthy of her attention. I will make things right again, I’ll make it just like the old days, the days when sister would always play with me. The days when she let me cuddle with her during scary storms. The days where I wasn’t a little nuts and I didn’t know of my destructive powers. The days before sister told me to stay in this big, empty windowless room. The days when I knew she was my loving big sister. One day I’ll have windows, and through those windows I will see my sister working hard to prepare the world for me. I know me and my sister will return to what we once were and I will wait in this blankness until that day comes.

* * *

 

 I really sounded quite nuts the last time I wrote. Must’ve been from my recent lack of sleep and my longing for Remilia’s visit. I want to convince Remilia and the others that I’m worthy of living outside of this room. I know they think it’s for my good right now but soon they’ll come around and see that I’m all better now. I can’t remember when people starting saying I was little nuts. Strangely I don’t what a little nuts means, not quite anyways. I mean I guess I do have a bad tendency to imagine things too much and let my emotions get the better of me sometimes. I do blow up sometimes and I don’t always know why either. Sometimes it’s over things I thought would hurt my sister or friends. Other times though it was other things that were too small or random for me to remember. Those must’ve been the times that made everyone think I was nuts but I won’t lose control myself over small stuff anymore. I know I was a little unhinged in the past, wailing for hours, blowing up a lot and getting terrified over nothing. Looking back on the kind of person I was it makes sense that Remilia chose to lock me down here. She probably thought that some time to myself would help me get a hold of myself. Patch too seemed to be very adamant about making sure I get better. It was her that suggested that I live in the basement to Remilia if I remember correctly. Ever since they’ve first met Remilia and Patchouli always seemed to be so close. I never managed to get that close to Patch but I had a feeling they’d talk about me. Very long and serious talks at times, they really care for me. I wonder why I went a little nuts? I always try and remember if something had happened that made me that way. Nothing in my memory ever answers that question though. I have really bad recollection though so maybe being as dumb as I am I forgot it. Maybe it was tied to me discovering my “gift”, I don’t know. I should ask Patch, I feel like she’d give me a good answer. Maybe I’ll ask Remilia too but I want her to remember happy memories of me rather than of me going nuts. Either way, I’m getting better and soon I’ll be able to live normally with everyone. I’ll play with sister again, I’ll write books with Patch since I actually really like writing, and I wanna help Sakuya with chores. I really love everyone in the Mansion and I want to be part of their lives someday. Till then I hope they’ll give me windows so I can see how their lives are going at least.

* * *

 

 Recently I haven’t been able to get the memory of meeting Reimu out of my mind. Somehow I feel she was the first true human I met. Sakuya has been a part of this place for so long and she’s adjusted to our lifestyle that she no longer feels like a human at all. Reimu, and Marisa too, are most certainly human. I can’t explain it, but something about them I could just tell was human. They seemed to value their time more, always in a rush and so worried about their injuries. They were so protective of their fragile lives and bodies. I wonder what it’s like for Reimu, the sole inhabitant of a shrine tucked away in the mountains. Saving the world over and over again with no reward. Alwaysdetermined to make life as easy as possible for a particularly weak race. Thinking of her like that she’s incredibly selfless, yet she was snarky and discourteous with sister. Maybe she has anger inside of her for never being recognized as a hero among her kind. Perhaps she secretly hates them for leaving her all alone while still wanting her to be their savior. Reimu’s arrival to defeat sister to this day is still one of the most eventful thingsto happen to me, at least in my time here in the basement. I always thought humans were no stronger than the flies that find their way in. I know Reimu is exceptionally powerfulfor a human but seeing her defeat those around me felt unreal. I remember that night clearly, I heard some fighting but I thought Remilia could handle whatever it was. When I heard Sakuya arguing with an unfamiliar voice my curiosity finally overtook me. I broke the lock so I could see what was going on. Sakuya was arguing and demanded how a smallgirl in red and white got through the gate and Patchouli. I too was pretty confused how that happened since though I never meet the gatekeeper I thought she’d be stronger. I could hear Patch having several asthma attacks earlier that day so as much as I hate to say it her defeat didn’t surprise me. Sakuya’s ability to manipulate time and knife throwing was good enough that I thought It’d be over quickly. The fight went on for longer than I expected and when the red and white maiden came out victorious I was shocked. I didn’t except a stranger I’ve never heard of to defeat the perfect head maid. I recognized then that the outside humans were a more notable species than I originally thought. Seeing as she was an intruder I should’ve taken her down right then looking back but I wanted to see what happened next. I snuck behind her as she made her way to Remilia’s room. I didn’t get to see sister fight often, I thought Remilia’s strength was unmatched and was eager to see it on display. Remilia looked invincible flying in front of the red moon surrounded by the scarlet mist. Since I didn’t know of Reimu’s duty as a shrine maiden at the time I couldn’t understand why she wanted to stop the mist. I figured she was too weak to handle the darkness. It was an amazing battle probably the best I’ve ever seen. Even if she didn’t come out on top, all that time becoming the scarlet devil only to be beaten by a meager human. She looked intimidating behind the moon yet seeing her fall out of its light was a terribly beautiful sight. As the mist cleared and the maiden disappeared into the night I felt a mix of emotions I couldn’t understand. How did someone name emotions? I always thought they were too complex to understand so I don’t bother trying to figure it out. If I could see my reflection in a mirror or a window then maybe I’d understand myself better. Probably not, all I know is that I liked Reimu from the start despite what she did. My emotions always seem to be pleasant around her.

* * *

Reimu’s still on my mind, I think one of my happiest memories is when we met in the basement. I didn’t think I’d ever see her again or she’d never be able to get anywhere near the mansion again. It turned out to be kinda funny though, I thought Remilia would despise Reimu forever but just a couple of days after their fight she went to visit her shrine. I wanted to see her again too, I was fascinated by her so I wanted her to be my friend. I’ve never left the basement since sister told me to stay there, not once have I even tried. So I figured just one time wouldn’t hurt, I just wanted to visit her one time so I could at least get to know her. So I slipped out again, borrowed one of sister’s parasols and stepped outside through a back window. I’d hadn’t felt the grass on my feet for years, it was nice and soft. The sun was really harsh but I was determined to go. I almost got to the gate, the sky suddenly turned black though then the rain came down hard. I don’t know how the weather changed, however, I wasn’t going to stop. Well, I thought I wouldn’t but then I saw a huge bolt of lighting which felt too close. The thunder was unbearable, my ears wouldn’t stop ringing. I started shaking so much that I thought my legs wouldn’t move still I forced myself to run back to the basement. I wasn’t brave enough in the end afterall, I still couldn’t leave this room. I couldn’t stop crying because I lost a friend I never had. I cried and cried too much for the next few days until Patch came to check on me. She had a really sorrowful look on her face I still don’t know why though. She talked to me for a bit that look never leaving her face when she eventually left as always. I was confused when I heard Patchouli yelling and spells being cast so I peeked around, there I saw her again. I was inbetween stunned and excited that she came down to the basement. It was silly butI rationalized that she had seen me last time and wanted to talk to me but couldn’t for some reason. So I told her I was sorry for making her wait, she answered me by saying she didn’t know me, she didn’t even know I was there last time. That hurt a little bit but that’s what I get for jumping to conclusions. It was too awkward at that moment, I didn’t know what to do or what to say. I thought back to Remilia’s defeat, could a human really defeat my devil of a sister? Maybe her appearance was human but on the inside, she was something stronger. I had to say something so I did something stupid and said the first thing on my mind. I asked her if she was really, in fact human, of course, she said she was. Momentarily paranoia came in on me as well deciding to make my anxiety worse.I thought for a split second that maybe she had been trying to trick me. I rambled on about how’d only seen humans as food, she just nonchalantly replied with they were more complicated than black tea. She even joked about it which I found odd. Though that’s what I like most about Reimu, she’s carefree and rarely panics regardless of the situation. She wasn’t scared of me she treated me the same way she treated Remilia. They all were the same to her. I don’t know if Reimu will ever know how much joy that brings me to be viewed no different from everyone else. It’s bad but I found it really funny that she forgot sister’s name, “Replica something or other the devil” that still makes me chuckle. She made me laugh again by saying there was no way Remilia could cook to save her life which couldn’t be more turn. Turns out she ventured into the basement just to see if there was a way to get sister to stop bothering her. I told her that I wanted to go to her shrine as well but she made it clear she didn’t want unannounced visitors, not inhuman ones anyway. She lighthearted askedif I had special needs or if I did something horrible. I told her I’d never left the basement and with a straight face, she called me a problem child. I wasn’t mad though, Reimu doesn’t make me mad. I might not know everything about Reimu, I did know thatI loved what I’ve seen of her. I had a storm of butterflies in my stomach, I wanted her to stay there for a little longer. I couldn’t even say “I want to play with you” correctly I screwed up and went “I have a play toy over here”. It was a minor speaking mistake but I was screaming at myself for it nonetheless. Should’ve expected that she wouldn’t be phased in the slightest. So we played the danmaku game, she was skilled at it and she knew it too. Though I really could have defeated her in less than a minute but the warnings to control myself were swarming in my head. Besides I wanted to make that time with her last as long as I could. I really didn’t want to hurt her either, I held back as much as I could so she wouldn’t be injured. It was more difficult than I thought trying to hold back that much power especially since I hadn’t tried before. Admittedly I also was trying to impress her so I made clones of myself but like always they didn’t do what I wanted. We did play for what I thought was a long time although I can’t be certain how long it actually was. I finally let her win, she said it was because of the powers the gods gave her which I thought was funny. I told her not to assume she’d always win with their help. I was still pretty pumped up so I tried to get a round two going, she told me  I was in too bad of a shape. Holding back might’ve taken a bigger toll on me than I expected. I wanted to pay her back for taking the time to play with by visiting her with tea and cake. She didn’t want that instead, she promised that’d she would come play with me whenever I desired. I was satisfied with that, actually, I was more than satisfied I was ecstatic. I had a friend and one who promised me to visit me. That meant and still means the whole world to me. She said one more strange but humorous thing, “Be a good girl. Go back home and go to sleep.” I’ve never left my home, this basement is my whole existence. Course she wouldn’t of know that I don’t think so anyway. She made one last joke about me and my sister being bad girls, I actually got a good look at her smile that time. It was pretty even in the dim light of the basement. I want windows so next time she comes down here with me I can see it in its fullest in the light. I really do miss Reimu and I forgive her.

* * *

I wrote about Reimu so much it’s embarrassing, she’s my favorite human though I can’t help it. All of my memories of her are fond ones. Guess while I’m still writing about humans, Marisa broke into the library again today. Patch caught her and she tried to hide somewhere she couldn’t be seen. She believes she’s being really sneaky everytime this happens but I always see her. I never liked Marisa as much as Reimu yet she too is undeniably human. Obsessed with getting her desires as quickly as possible. Taking what she wants from others, always in a rush never trying to slow down. She’s carefree too but I feel like it’s not the same kind as Reimu somehow. I don’t have many thoughts on Marisa since I’ve only ever seen her when she barges in. However, I remember my first true meeting with her as clearlyas I do Reimu’s. I had heard Patch complain at least once about a white and black rat stealing from her, at the time I assumed she was talking about an actual rat though. Patch must’ve gotten used to most of Marisa’s tricks because she was pushed to hiding in the basement. The door to the basement is tucked away in the darkest recesses of the mansion, it’s gotta even harder to find since Sakuya has distorted the perception of space in the building. Marisa ever so determined and crafty found a way into it somehow, regardlesswhenever someone new comes my curiosity overtakes me. I greeted her like I do everyone else yet she didn’t even tell me her real name. She thought I was dumb enough to believe she was Reimu. I might not be able to figure a lot of things but I’d never be able to mistake an ordinary magician for the Hakurei Shrine Maiden. Then I remembered something about a witch breaking in into the library and only in that moment did I finally manage to make the connection. Still, I told her my name and she askedwhat I was. She didn’t ask sister the same thing, did she? I know she and sister quarreled quite often from the rumors the maids share when they pass by the basement. I had hoped it was obvious that I was a vampire even with my strange wings. I guess other people can’t see me as a vampire either, everyone knows sister is a vampire but somehow I can’t come off as the same. In fact no one seems to be able to figure out that me and Remilia are in fact, sisters. It’s true that we don’t look anything alike, I thought cutting my hair short like hers would help but it didn’t. We don’t behave the same way either, how much do I truly have in common with Remilia? That thought bothers me it makes me feel even more distant from her and that scares me. I will always love my sister unconditionally, still it feels like she’s drifting further and further away from me. I shouldn’t think about it too much because I’ll get too paranoid and have a hard time convincing others that I’m stable. Sometimes I still wonder why sister is so determined to keep me a secret. Both Reimu and Marisa had no clue I existed, I only got to meet  both of them by sheer chance. Sister surely doesn’t want me to be lonely yetI don’t understand why she won’t let anyone play with me nor does she visit regularly herself. I really must stop thinking about this, my pencil is cracking from all the emotion I feel right now. Back to Marisa yes my first time actually seeing Marisa face to face. I explained to her that I’d always been in the house everytime she broke in. That I was just resting in the basement every time as I always have for four hundred and ninety five years. She just said I was lucky since she only got weekends off. Completely ignorant to how cruel of a fate this truly is, to always be alone in a dusty room. I was annoyed at that statement but let my curiosity overpower it. Afterall she was the third human I’d seen in my lifetime and a source of gossip in the mansion. She appeared to understand my curiosity or at least pretended too, she let me get a good look at her. I’ll admit she was good looking in her own way, blond hair and golden eyes. I like dark hair and dark eyes better though. I decided she was nice enough for me to play with so I asked,  she agreed then made a joke about how much it was worth. I’ve never handled money before it was never necessary, actually, I didn’t even know it existed for the longest time. So I wasn’t sure how to respond when she said what it was worth to me so I answered with one coin. She told me you couldn’t buy a life with that. I let her beat me too since I thought killing a magician might cause problems and she wasn’t that mean to me. Actually afterward we discussed “And Then There Were None” my favorite novel which I liked a lot. Although apparently, we read different endings somehow, how that’s possible I don’t know. She said she hanged herself and then told me she got married, far as I’m concerned the whole point was that everyone had died. Afterall why wouldn’t you hang yourself if you had no one left in your life? Being completely alone is such a terrible way to live. If I had windows could I imagine myself looking out on that desolate mansion courtyard as I stood up on a chair?

* * *

I did something bad today, I didn’t mean to do it but it happened nonetheless. The last few days or weeks I don’t know which one either way, it was rough. I was initially happy remembering my first meetings with Reimu and Marisa. Once the nostalgia faded away I was left again with the reality that I was alone. Neither of the two have come to play with me for a long time. I know they’re probably with whatever but can’t they make a little time for me? Sakuya and Patch too, they visit ever so often but there’s always something more important to do, more important than me. I can’t understand what I did to deserve this kind of treatment. Why does everyone forget about me? Why don’t I mean anything to them? I’ve obediently listened to them and I rarely ask for anything, I can count on a single hand how many times I’ve tried to defy them. I’ve lived my life the way they wanted me to live not how I wanted to live. No one shows any gratitude for it instead they chose to repay me by ignoring me. They let the fairy maids leave whenever they want but not me. Am I less important to than some no-name servants they don’t even know, I’m the other Scarlet Devil. I made one mistake and that made their heads turn to look at me for once. Marisa had broken in and like always she was hiding. I had thought Marisa didn’t notice when watched her. She does though, she always did, she pretends not to see me that filthy liar. She glanced right at me, our eyes met but she didn’t say anything. I called out to her because I knew she had seen me. She didn’t say anything she didn’t even turn her head, did she think I would rat her out? I couldn’t understand why she ignored me it was distressing to me. Then I realized something horrible, she had done this before. I’m slow at figuring things out but looking back she always turned her head in the corner of my eye. I was too dull to notice the patterns at first, she didn’t want to look at me, she ran faster when she was near my room and she hid behind things so I wouldn’t see her. Was I really so awful that she had to do everything in her power to avoid her? I was angry and I still am, I’m so sick of everyone ignoring me and never wanting to talk to me. I yelled at her finally, her head turned, I just wanted to know why she wouldn’t acknowledge me that’s all I wanted. She chose to keep lying to me though “Oh I just didn’t hear”, “I couldn’t see you in the dark” all dirty, dirty lies. She takes me for a fool but I won’t tolerate it, I called her exactly what she is a dirty, selfish liar. She had the stomach to deny it though and say I had no right to judge her. I demanded why I couldn’t say what she was, she answered with something that made my blood boil, “Cause’ you’re completely nuts”. I’m not nuts I’m not a liar like her, she had no right to call me that. If I was nuts then I would’ve killed her without knowing it. I just hit her a little and not even that hard, I didn’t even give her anything she couldn’t recover from. I just got a bit too angry and lost control, like I’m the only one whose made that mistake. I scared her pretty good, I didn’t show her just how strong I could last time so I caught her off guard. She bolted up the stairs instead of fighting back like the coward she is. I don’t know if she complained to Patchouli or not but both her and Sakuya came down. It had been a long time since I’ve had two visitors at once but they only came to lecture me. Patchouli doesn’t even like Marisa that much but she’ll still come to her defense if it’s me who caused the issue. They really drilledinto me that I had messed up real bad, didn’t care that Marisa had been lying. I only become their priority when I mess up I’m never noteworthy if I do anything else. I told them how it is, they never pay any attention to me and all they do is leave alone in the dark to suffer. If I truly am mad then it’s their fault, I’m not nuts by choice I’m lonely because everyone views me as an afterthought or a problem. I told them to get out, that I never wanted to see them again if they only cared when I screwed up. I thought they’d argue with me, yell at me or say something. All they did was stare at me with terrified eyes, the same expression Marisa had given me, the face of pure fear. I know it well now even sister too gave me it in the distant past when my downfall begun. As they left I asked where that person had been, she was out of course, always gone when I needed her. If I had a window maybe I could see sister abandon me again and again.

* * *

Remilia came to see me today. I had been waiting and yearning forever for a visit from my sister for the longest yet I didn’t want to let her in. I locked the door, she knocked and knocked and knocked but I wouldn’t answer. I wouldn’t respond to her calling my name either. Still, I could never completely ignore her no matter how mad I am. I just stood looking at the door, I couldn’t get myself to do anything. After some time she managed to break the lock and let herself in. I’m sure I had a blank look on my face as she walked towards me. Didn’t greet me only asked why I did what I did, was it really that big a deal. She’s the same as everyone else, she pays attention when I mess up. She won’t do anything else a normal big sister will do but she’ll still tell me what to do. I simply told her that I was lied to and I didn’t like that. She replied exactly as I expected her to, by scolding me about why it was wrong. Her answer to everything is to lock it in the basement, what could she know about right and wrong? She’s a liar too, the biggest and dirtiest liar, she’s lied to me all my life. I told her that because for all I know I’d never get the chance again. I told her how much she hurt me as well as how she wasn’t there for me. I got right up in her face and told her I hated her, that it was all her fault I lived such a miserable life. I felt tears fall from my face as I did so, a lot of them. She just cast her eyes downward and didn’t say anything. She stayed like for a while, eventually, she took out a handkerchief and wiped my tears away. She looked me in the eyes to say she was sorry, I couldn’t handle that for some reason I’m done trying to figure out things. I turned away and got on my bed where I just started at the blank red wall. I thought sister would leave, she didn’t though instead she came over andput her hands on my shoulders. She said in a soft tone that it was going to be ok, that I was better than this and she was sorry for not visiting more often. She said she was sorry for many things. I told her I was sorry too, that I could never truly hate her no matter what she did, she knew that though. I just get so lonely and it gets to your mind eventually. We hugged each other like we did in the old days so long ago. I love my sister, I always will and I know she loves me just as much but I can forget that sometimes. I asked how the moon looked, she said beautiful. I also asked if I could have windows so we could see it together sometime, she said she’ll find a way. I was satisfied with that, I was happy. Time passed and I felt my eyelids growing heavy, sister somehow knew I was tired and said she would let me rest. She promised me that she’ll visit more often. I really hoped she’ll keep that promise. She wished me good night and said: “I love you”.

* * *

 

I’ve been trying to be as well behaved as possible since Remilia’s last visit. I’ve decided to put my faith in her and I’ll trust that she’ll come to see me more often. Anyways, Sakuya is allegedly trying out more ways to make blood tea, least that’s the rumors I hear. Marisa wasn’t traumatized enough to quit bothering Patch and is still “borrowing” from her. Reimu apparently solved another incident recently, next time she’s here I’ll congratulate her. Till then I’ll see if I can get sister to leave a few donations for her shrine. Remilia herself seems to be in good spirits which I’m happy about. Everyone seems to be enjoying their average lives. I too will return to playing pretend by myself and mastering my clones. I’m content for the time being, I’ll wait and see if anything changes, if not I’ll just go about as I always have. I am genuinely satisfied right now but when I stare at the wall I still sometimes think about the different lives I couldn’t have. I used the word sometimes and long time a lot here I noticed. Guess everything eventful happens far apart in my life. I never thought I’d ever write this much about anything let alone myself. Maybe I’ll ask sister to get me a good tutor so I can write a good autobiography one day. I mean she gave into the windows or so she claimed. Speaking of which I think I know why I mentioned windows so much, I might not be able to leave this room but I still want to see outside. I want to see the world even if it’s turning without me.

 


End file.
